Things I learned from "Wanted"

I learned that the ATM is the only truth giver in your life and will tell you your friend is nailing your girlfriend.

The best way to get back at that guy for nailing you girlfriend is a good old fashioned "home rowing" the following is a reenactment for you viewing pleasure:



I learned that it is easier to bend bullets than step one foot either direction and shoot straight.




I learned that a box truck can keep up with a Dodge Viper. So save your money and just buy a Taurus. I mean why would it even be close to being possible for a V-10 600 HP sports car to out run a diesel Box truck that looks like it could have come from U-haul. That is just crazy talk!





I learned that this is one time I actually wished Samuel L Jackson was in the lead roll and not Morgan Freeman. That way he could have said "YES THEY DESERVE TO DIE, AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!" and it would have been relevant.

I learned that after you hear a terrible story all of your morals float away and you turn into a killer. I mean really you won't kill a guy because it it wrong, then you are told "I didn't kill someone one once then my family died and while those two events aren't related you just never know. Now get to killing!" So you do.

I learned it takes about six weeks of getting your ass kicked to turn into the best killer in the world.

I learned that if a loom kicks out a tapestry you can somehow write down binary from it. Now this Binary code doesn't turn into number like all binary I have worked with, no it turns into, let's say a hexadecimal translation, so the ones and zeros make words.

I also learned our hero James McAvoy can read the secret code without any formal training.

I learned that if you see a crazy possessed loom kicking out a tapestry with no person running it, that will seem just fine to you. I mean hey, you CAN curve bullets and shoot the wings off of flies.





I learned Angelina Jolie looks hungry. And her face may be a little "off". And her tattoos and choices in men can be a bit "off". Yet still has a nice padunkadunk.




I learned that shooting first asking question later to a man trying to keep you from falling about a mile down a canyon might result in you shooting you father.

I learned that falling a few thousand feet will be fine once you get a hot wax bath.

I learned that people really hate rats. and that if you strap high explosives to 1,000 of them they will move themselves perfectly around to have a great explosion. I also learned that you can rig a rat high explosive vest complete with timer for a thousand rats without any training. I also learned it should only take you a few hours to do this. This kid was amazing.

I learned that when you fight a man that has a knife you can't kill him with bullets. No, you have to get the barrel of you gun plugged with a knife blade. This will not jam your gun and blow up in your eyes, not even close. No, it will make a knife blade cannon which is handy because only knives and kill a knife wielding man.

I learned that if you blow up a textiles factory no one comes to check it out. Because fire never did anything bad in Chicago.

I learned the whole secret father bit it tired and played out. Make it a brother, or old baby-sitter, or an uncle.

I learned that if you have an old mustang, and you have a head-on accident with an old corvette you don't crash. Oh no. you do a barrel roll over a limo so you can say "I'm sorry" in sow motion as you shoot a man in the face and land on your wheels.

I learned I want there to be a wanted two electric bugaloo.

I learned I don't want it, I need it.

I learned that chicks dig melon flavored condoms. I also learned you will buy these for you friend to use them to nail your girlfriend.

I learned that they will foreshadow civil war muskets and french pistols that have been turned into semi automatic weapons but rather than explain their purpose it is easier at the end to just admit you made a mistake to make these people seem like "highlanders" or something that live forever and easier to pretend you never foreshadowed them in the first place.

I learned that if you are going to shoot your arch enemy it is easier to shoot through your friend's energy drink, your boss' glazed donut hole, several panes of glass from a mile away.

I learned that if you stand on an "X" kiss your ass goodbye.

Lastly I learned I enjoyed this movie more than Sex and the City. Did I see SatC? no, but that girl is so ugly in SatC this had to have been better.

So this movie gets a D maybe a C- if they had explained the old guns. James McAvoy plays a slacker pretty well. Common (if it actually happens) will make a great Green Lantern. Jolie has a nice padunkadunk. If I missed anything please feel free to leave it in the suggestions. Next up is "Hell Boy 2 - The Golden Army"