WOW, just wow

Please discuss

Things I learned from "Wanted"

I learned that the ATM is the only truth giver in your life and will tell you your friend is nailing your girlfriend.

The best way to get back at that guy for nailing you girlfriend is a good old fashioned "home rowing" the following is a reenactment for you viewing pleasure:



I learned that it is easier to bend bullets than step one foot either direction and shoot straight.




I learned that a box truck can keep up with a Dodge Viper. So save your money and just buy a Taurus. I mean why would it even be close to being possible for a V-10 600 HP sports car to out run a diesel Box truck that looks like it could have come from U-haul. That is just crazy talk!





I learned that this is one time I actually wished Samuel L Jackson was in the lead roll and not Morgan Freeman. That way he could have said "YES THEY DESERVE TO DIE, AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!" and it would have been relevant.

I learned that after you hear a terrible story all of your morals float away and you turn into a killer. I mean really you won't kill a guy because it it wrong, then you are told "I didn't kill someone one once then my family died and while those two events aren't related you just never know. Now get to killing!" So you do.

I learned it takes about six weeks of getting your ass kicked to turn into the best killer in the world.

I learned that if a loom kicks out a tapestry you can somehow write down binary from it. Now this Binary code doesn't turn into number like all binary I have worked with, no it turns into, let's say a hexadecimal translation, so the ones and zeros make words.

I also learned our hero James McAvoy can read the secret code without any formal training.

I learned that if you see a crazy possessed loom kicking out a tapestry with no person running it, that will seem just fine to you. I mean hey, you CAN curve bullets and shoot the wings off of flies.





I learned Angelina Jolie looks hungry. And her face may be a little "off". And her tattoos and choices in men can be a bit "off". Yet still has a nice padunkadunk.




I learned that shooting first asking question later to a man trying to keep you from falling about a mile down a canyon might result in you shooting you father.

I learned that falling a few thousand feet will be fine once you get a hot wax bath.

I learned that people really hate rats. and that if you strap high explosives to 1,000 of them they will move themselves perfectly around to have a great explosion. I also learned that you can rig a rat high explosive vest complete with timer for a thousand rats without any training. I also learned it should only take you a few hours to do this. This kid was amazing.

I learned that when you fight a man that has a knife you can't kill him with bullets. No, you have to get the barrel of you gun plugged with a knife blade. This will not jam your gun and blow up in your eyes, not even close. No, it will make a knife blade cannon which is handy because only knives and kill a knife wielding man.

I learned that if you blow up a textiles factory no one comes to check it out. Because fire never did anything bad in Chicago.

I learned the whole secret father bit it tired and played out. Make it a brother, or old baby-sitter, or an uncle.

I learned that if you have an old mustang, and you have a head-on accident with an old corvette you don't crash. Oh no. you do a barrel roll over a limo so you can say "I'm sorry" in sow motion as you shoot a man in the face and land on your wheels.

I learned I want there to be a wanted two electric bugaloo.

I learned I don't want it, I need it.

I learned that chicks dig melon flavored condoms. I also learned you will buy these for you friend to use them to nail your girlfriend.

I learned that they will foreshadow civil war muskets and french pistols that have been turned into semi automatic weapons but rather than explain their purpose it is easier at the end to just admit you made a mistake to make these people seem like "highlanders" or something that live forever and easier to pretend you never foreshadowed them in the first place.

I learned that if you are going to shoot your arch enemy it is easier to shoot through your friend's energy drink, your boss' glazed donut hole, several panes of glass from a mile away.

I learned that if you stand on an "X" kiss your ass goodbye.

Lastly I learned I enjoyed this movie more than Sex and the City. Did I see SatC? no, but that girl is so ugly in SatC this had to have been better.

So this movie gets a D maybe a C- if they had explained the old guns. James McAvoy plays a slacker pretty well. Common (if it actually happens) will make a great Green Lantern. Jolie has a nice padunkadunk. If I missed anything please feel free to leave it in the suggestions. Next up is "Hell Boy 2 - The Golden Army"

Zac's Birthday

Zac turned 30 on the 19th, so Jamie Lou and I did the lame thing and got him a gift card to Best Buy and a card with a sexy woman that was vacuuming on the inside. Complete with sound effects of that woman vacuuming. I laughed at it, so that is all that matters I guess.... But his wife was a bit better than us and invited over a few friends an family for some BBQ and a pool party. A good time was had by all. All except the kids Yoshi, Zac and Thad made cry. But other than those 5 kids, a good time was had by most.

So happy birthday Zac!

Ah yes, the happy Birthday boy. Can't you see it?:
Donna, Jamie Lou and Ella "The Kid" :
you might think it was Thad's Birthday, but it wasn't. In my best lispy voice "THAPRIZE!" or "TA-DA, a magazine for and by gay magicians":
And this is what happens when little kids tell Zac and me "I wanna go fast" Wait that was Ricky Bobby... Oh yeah, when they say "I WANNA GO HIGH!":

Wednesday night is "Wanted" at Billy Joes, I wonder if I will learn anything at that movie.

PS Oh and if you haven't checked out the show "The Middlemen" Mike was talking about on his blog, it was pretty damn good/funny/witty/ I liked it.

PSS OOOOH and Jamie Lou got me Rosetta Stone Spanish Speaking for Latin America.... I am one hour in and I know lots of words I didn't before come, leche, perro, mujer, pan, manzana the list goes on and on.... I wonder if I will really learn to speak Spanish, that would be KICK ASS to actually order a real drink at a real Mexican place and know what the eff I am saying/doing... I'll keep you posted....

PSSS My buddy Eric started working out, so starting next Monday I think I may too. Remember that is next Monday. That reminds me of the time in Ames at Olde Main Jamie Lou said "Too bad we aren't here tomorrow" as I look up to see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow" She is awesome on so many levels! Always makes me laugh.

PSSSS JB, you an I once talked of doing Damn-2-Damn. Maybe next summer is the time to do it. What do you think?

Man, have I been lazy!?

Sorry, I would like to say I haven't been posting because a lot has been going on, but the troof is that I am incredibly lazy.

So here is a little something for you Cyclone fans.

Jamie Lou and I went to the "Meet the Coaches Night" for I-State at the 92.5 KJJY Event Center at 7 Flags Complex. Wow, that was a lot to type, but that was how it was listed on the brochure was a pretty fun night with a social hour at 5:30 (beer and wine). The Silent auction also started then. And now a rant about silent auctions. A silent auction should have ballot boxes and sheets of paper and you put you amount in the box so no one else can know what you are bidding. To simply have a sheet of paper and know how much everyone is bidding is lame. When the last one to bid wins, to me, it takes they fun out of the auction. But I digress....

Dinner was at 6:30 catering was by Christiani's. It was your standard fare, salad, pasta, beef, and deserts. All in all pretty good. 7:30 the live auction was to start, it really started closer to 7:00. The the coaches program started at 8:00 Emceed by John Walters. Speakers were Christy Johnson volleyball, Cael Sanderson Wrestling, Bill Fennelly Women's Basketball, Greg McDermott Men's Basketball, Gene Chizik Football, and Jamie Pollard Athletics Director.

It is amazing to me that in 30 minutes during the auction phase that made $17,300 with very little in the way of cost being involved from I-State's side.

The original wood carved Cy from the Jacabson building went for $1300.00

Golf in the Cyclone Challenge ($500.00 off the web site) 4-some with Jamie Pollard $600.00

Golf in the Cyclone Challenge ($500.00 off the web site) 4-some with Cael Sanderson $1300.00

Men's basketball trip for 2 to Texas $1800.00Football trip for 2 to Las Vegas $3000.00

Suite and 20 Tickets vs. Nebraska $4000.00Football trip for 2 to Iowa $1000.00

Women's Basketball trip for 2 to Iowa $700.00

Men's basketball trip for 2 to Iowa $1100.00

Sideline passes for 2 vs. Nebraska 1500.00

Women's basketball trip for 2 to KSU 1000.00

Coaches were great. Volleyball has a lot to be proud of, things really heading to where they have never been before.

Cael is funny. Not sure if he knows it, but he is. Looks like he can still compete.

Fennelly is the highlight every year.

McDermott looks like he is gettign over the loss of WJ.

Coach Chiz is all business all the time. But man did he have some cracks on Iowa. Always fun when they pander to the crowd.

And Pollard seems to be excited where things are going. I hope he stays to see the projects through.

UrbanDictionary.com game

Ok, found this over at Larry's where he says: "Stolen from the Loverly Morgan: type your answers into the search function at urbandictionary.com and write what it says."

I'll just add, make it is the first answer on the hit you get. Not always a pleasant answer, but pretty funny for the most part.

Good luck and take the challenge!



1) Name Cameron

to uncontrollably defecate at the point of climax while performing intercourse with another person. for maximum effect, injest mexican food and booze beforehand.

"Dude, John just pulled a Cameron all over Sally. "

2) Age 32

A wanksta flip guy that gets 32% in school
"Shane is 32."

3) One of Your Friends Mike

To do something incredibly stupid. To be retarded and look like an idiot at something.
"He mike'd it up again. DOH!"

4) What I should be doing Sleeping
To masturbate furiously in your room while praying that your grandma doesn't come in.
"GET OUT GRANDMA! I was sleeping."

5) Middle Name Ted
A term used in and around Liverpool,England.To describe a person as being a ted means that they are behind the times in terms of their fashion sense,musical taste or general outlook on matters.It's a take on the fashion craze Teddy Boys which was popular many years ago.
"Sit down Nigel,you ted."

6) Favorite food Sushi
A Japanese dish made with a lump of rice and sweetened vinegar wrapped around a vegetable slice, or a fish slice. Often there is a piece of seaweed wrapped around the entire thing, but not always. Also, the vegetable or piece of fish can be on top of the rice with the seaweed wrapped around vertically.
"Wow, that sushi bar uses the freshest artichokes for their sushi!"
To masturbate furiously in your room while praying that your grandma doesn't come in.
"GET OUT GRANDMA! I was sleeping."

7) Home Town Des Moines
The capital city of Iowa, also the largest city in Iowa with a metro population of about a half mil (not huge but good sized for the Midwest). Contrary to popular belief, not a bad city, ranked #4 for quality of life in the US. Only really bad part is Des Moines is over 80% white, so it's not very "hip."
"Dude, are you going to the concert in Des Moines? "

8) Vehicle You Drive Ford Contour
see pimpmobile
"It could smoke your rice burner any day."

9) Last person I talked to on the phone Sean
a sexy/hot/awesome person
"dammmm, whata sean"

What I learned From Indiana Jones

Things I learned from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I learned that Monkeys hate, and I mean hate, Russians

I learned that Tarzan Swinging through the jungle will get you through said jungle faster than the speeding vechiles will

I learned that in the 50's there were "Lead Lined" refrigerators

I learned that in case of nuclear explosion being in one of these lead lined fridges and being thrown hundreds, hell maybe thousands of feet, you will be just fine.

I learned that in the 50's Area 51 was guarded by only four guards. Once you kill them you have free reign over the entire place.

I learned that the metal in gun powder floats to a magnetized box. Buy only when thrown in the air. If you are dumping the powder into the hat it goes into the hat. but if you throw it up in the air from the hat it flies. I think the hat is the key to finding the magnetized box. QED

I learned that the magnetized item in the box only effected the pry bars after the lid was taken off. So wood must dampen the effect, yet be strong enough to make gun powder float.

I learned that Indy still hates snakes. But not enough to not grab one to get out of a sink trap.

I learned that if you are in the middle of a jungle in that sink trap it is not a good idea to tell your crazy friend, and I do mean crazy like has truly lost his mind, to "get help" because he will just go and find the Russians you have escaped from. Probably because they are the only other people in the jungle.

I learned that Shia LeBeouf playing a greaser on a motorcycle makes me giggle out loud

I learned that running will make all bullets miss you.

I learned that the sword is still the weapon of choice for some.

I learned that Indy is ok if you don't go to school if you aren't his kid.






I learned that Predators are cooler aliens than the crystal skull ones are.








I learned that Indian Jones and the Temple of Doom doesn't seem as ridiculous as it once did.

I leaned how many waters falls it takes to crash the duck boat. 'How many?' you ask. That is a great question. Then answer is Jump off a cliff onto a tree that is lower you safely to the water. Then falling down one waterfall, then a second and finally a third will wreck the duck boat. I also learned that falling down the three waterfalls will not put a mark on you.

I learned that hot rodders will mess with the military folk.

I learned that CGI ground hogs look funny more like meerkats.



I learned that Caddy Shack's Gopher was a better dancer that Indy's ground hog.









I grade this movie at a F+. So it passed.........barely. If you want a movie that uses solving riddles as the way to a treasure watch either of the National Treasure movies. If you want a good Indiana Jones movie Watch the first of the third installment. If you want to watch a silly Indiana Jones movie watch the Temple of Doom. Just don't watch this one. If you did happen to see this one maybe you got lucky and looked in the skull's eye sockets and it ate your brain too. I wasn't one of the lucky ones though.

Things I learned from watching The Incredible Hulk

I learned lot of things while watching Ed Norton's The Incredible Hulk. So in no particular order here we go

I learned that you will not like the hulk when he is hungry.




I learned that Ed Norton must not have got real tattoos for American History X.







Unlike the Dude, Tim Roth does make a really good bad guy.

If the U.S. military is after you in a foreign country, you will not only be able to elude them, but hitchhike your way all the way home in 17 short days from Guatemala by way of Brazil.

The hulk loses his mental faculties, but the abomination speaks the queen's English with perfect diction.

The hulk clap will put out fire, but not rupture ear drums.

Tony Stark made a lot of money this summer.

Lou Ferrigno is still a massive, MASSIVE human being.

He is also still quite deaf.

He also can't find shirts that fit him.






If you need to learn a foreign language, forget Rosetta stone, all you need is Grover.









The Abomination, after getting "knocked out", will remain in that state for several minutes.

Soda from Brazil with hulk blood will make you feel kinda tingly on the inside.

Stan Lee likes said Brazilian soda.

Stomach acid has no effect on a USB drive. Hulk or Human it is all good.

Even Bruce banner thinks Purple pants are a bad idea.

Encrypted chat is done in real time. And they are real fast/accurate typers, not one backspace used.

There are still crazy cab drivers in NYC. Maybe, just maybe the subway is a better choice.

Bombs don't hurt the Hulk, but the military thinks hand guns might.

Found out the Hulk is afraid of Thunder.



The Abomination can take bullets and direct hits from missiles but if a steel chain hits him he goes to sleep like a little baby. Also those same chains don't have a weakest link, the hulk can choke as hard as he likes....







The last things I learned? NYC still doesn't know how to get their citizens out of harms way when a disaster happens. They just let the people do as they please.

Like Iron Man another solid movie. I say B- again. Next up will be the new Indiana Jones movie. From the trailer it looks like they may have mailed this one in and went for a bad movie. But I may be wrong. I hope I am wrong.

2008, U Gotta Love it!

Are State Fare is a great state fare! Ewe all will have a good thyme at the fare. Eye no eye will.

Oh yes it is that time again. August 7 - 17 is The IOWA STATE FAIR! While I am not a huge fan of the fair, a million people a year can't all be wrong. So in the spirit of state pride and the love of mullets let's examine things you can do at the fair.

Tickets to Grand Stand Shows (click here for ticketmaster link):

• Micheal W Smith
• Josh Turner : Craig Morgan
• Rick Springfield : Patty Smyth and Scandal
• Foreigner : Night Ranger
• Deery Brothers late Model race
• The Charlie Daniels Band : .38 Special : Shooter Jennings
• Grand Outlaw National Tractor and Truck Pull
• Vanessa Hudgens : Corbin Bleu
• Blake Shelton : Tracy Lawrence
• Demolition Derby with Doctor Danger
• Def Leppard
• The Rhubarb Tour with Garrison Keilor : Suzy Boguss

Have I heard of all these acts? No. But they are pay acts at the Iowa State Fair, so you know they are good. If you ever get the chance to hear Garrison Keilor spin a yarn I highly recommend it. Amazing story teller.

Heck then the free entertainment, just to mention a few

• The Blenders
• The Nadas
• Ron Dante of the Archies
• Lady Antebellum

There is the midway, the double ferris wheel and Big Ben Tower Drop, to game that can't be won eeerrrrrr I mean games of skill

Iowa Olympian Shawn Johnson will be honored next to the butter cow as a butter sculpture. So that is cool.

There is the Bill Riley Talent Search.

Animals with giant testicles. I mean some are GIANT!

and the food, good Lord the food on sticks ( I have read there are over 30 items on a stick this year)...

• Fried Pineapple on a stick (the new kid on the block)
  
• Salad on a Stick (the health Choice)
  
• Pork Chops on a stick
• Cheese on a stick
• Turkey drumsticks
• Corn Dogs on a stick
• Cotton Candy
• Dutch Bologna on a stick
• Candy bar on a stick

And of course there is East Side Pride Night. If you don't already have a mullet grown or an outfit picked out I suggest you get on it. I already did (you may need to click to look closer):

Things I learned from the Movie Iron Man

When you want a classic American burger... after being in captivity for 3 months... and you are a billi0nare... you go to Burger King.

You can build a full mech suit in a cave and your captors will only check on you once. When they get suspicious of you that one time, they won't smash yout feet they will threaten your doctor friend.

The Dude is not a scary bad guy.

A reporter with a degree from Brown will sleep with you with only a few catty remarks.

Your assistant will learn how to overload and blow up your arc reactor with only a few short commands. She will then argue about blowing it up when missiles get fired at you.

You can open chest/heart surgery in a cave in the desert, and everything will be OK.

You can admit to being Iron Man after killing another person and destroying a lot of property, and no one will have a problem with it.

Nick Fury has the chance of yelling a lot and being eaten BY A SHARK! (a little Chappell joke there:
"HOWS IT TASTE MOTHER F***ER!?"
"Can you please stop yelling?"
"NO I CANT STOP YELLING, THAT'S HOW I TALK HAVEN'T YOU SEEN ANY OF MY MOVIES?!? SHAFT, THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, JURASSIC PARK, DEEP BLUE SEA, I WAS EATEN BY A F***IN' SHARK IN THAT ONE!"
"SAMUEL JACKSON IT'LL GET YA DRUNK! YOU'LL BE F***IN' FAT CHICKS IN NO TIME!"


You can fall from thousands of feet from the sky onto the desert, and be just fine.

Old Christine's ex husband can get a job as a spook at Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcements and Logistics Division. And they have to work on an acronym for that Division.

When you ship illegal arms to terrorists, you ship them with your company's name on them. Because hey, any press is good press.

All in all Iron Man was a pretty good movie. At time sit felt a bit like a two hour trailer for the next Iron Man movie, but it was entertaining. One of the better movies I have seen at Billy Joe's in a few months. I would give it a B-, would have been higher if not for the Dude playing the bad guy. I mean that is only slightly more meanacing than Topher Grace being Venom. Dumb, just dumb.

Next up is The Hulk with Ed Norton and William Hurt, I am hoping it is a pretty good movie too.

The hawaiian chair

I asked for a new chair at work, maybe I can get one of these

Macey's first sour candy

I love the internet. I love I can log onto CycloneFanatic.com and a friend I used to work with can instant message me out of the blue. I love it even more that he sent me a video of his 2 1/2 year old daughter Eating her first warhead candy.

So Matt Thank you for sharing Macey (and I understand she wanted this candy) eating this candy for the first time.

Here is the background story:

Matt and his family went to the Cyclone Tailgate in Waterloo in June and Jamie Pollard had all the kids come to the front and gave them a bag of stuff. In it was a warhead and she insisted on trying it so he got it on video...