Went and watched The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor at Billy Joe's Picture Show. They should have called it The Mummy: Steaming Pile of Dog Shit. I knew this movie was going to be bad, I had no idea it was going to be worse than Hell Boy. It was so bad am not sure which I would rather see, The Mummy or the new Indiana Jones movie. They both sucked. The bad part is I really liked the first Mummy, and kinda liked the second one. This movie was so bad I had to get drunk to try and forget most of that night, but some things are forever burned into my brain like :
Yetis! Not the fact that there are Yeti, more that you can speak Chinese and English to them and they understand. Even beyond that, after they kicked a man over a building one of the freaking CGI yetis signals "THE KICK IS GOOD" and they laughed. I didn't laugh, I vomited a bit in my mouth and heard Mike say "That just happened." Oh you readers are lucky, I found all of the Yeti clips on You Tube!
The Dragon Emperor after dieing and being reborn (Why she made that curse I don't quite know, why not make one that he dies forever, not one where he can be reborn and all powerful?) can freeze things and shoot fire out of his eyes maybe it was his mouth. Then turns into Tiamat, and a hedgehog, and a flying dragon. Terrible, real silly. Why does he need his army to be brought back from the dead? Why not just freeze, burn, eat, and out race(a Sonic joke there) the enemy. On the other hand, wouldn't modern (1948) weaponry outmatch 19th dynasty weaponry of the army he brings back?
How/Why do 3000 year old machines still work? It is a bit old to be able to pull a switch and have a floor open up with a pulley system. It is just old and tired. Why in the HELL did they have to blow open the door to the tomb if other explorers had already been inside and were found dead? What, they closed themselves inside after they died?
Step Brothers next week. I could hear Ferrell say "I'm burying you!" a couple times a day and not get tired of it.
Cyclones didn't lose.
Squawks did.
Gators did.
Trojans did.
The Irish are.
Hope the Vikes win tomorrow.
I gotta say, it was a good day.
It had been a while since I was this completely bored in a movie. Within about 5 minutes, I was ready to walk out...but stayed for the mini corn dogs. Except for the yak barfing on someone and the promise of yetis...this movie was dead to me. I can't say I went in with high hopes because I only saw parts of the first movie and none of the second...but I did like Brendan Frazier in Scrubs and Blast from the Past (Oh my lucky stars...)
ReplyDeleteDespite your usual suspension of belief, I agree with you. Especially no Rachel Weisz.
ReplyDeleteGood things about the movie:
Tommy Guns
Michelle Yeoh (the "old witch")
yep. That's it.
I can't help but think I would have liked this movie if it was somebody else, and wasn't staining the "Mummy" franchise.
You know what else really bugs me? Hollywood is finally discovering this Hong Kong/Asia actors, but now it's past their prime, AND they don't know what to do with them. A sword fight between Michelle Yeoh and Jet Li? I would have messed my pants over this 15 years ago! Now, even with Rob Cohen directing, it was pretty weak tea. Same with "The Forbidden Kingdom"; people have been trying to get Jackie Chan and Jet Li together for YEARS, and THIS was the best they could do?
okay, that's enough.
L