I DID IT!

Went to the danger zone!

Lived life to the fullest

Took the needle past E!

Put in More that 17 Gallons on one fill up!

Then I had to know, how far I had gone... That is when I learned..... It isn't a 17 Gallon tank, the Lincoln has a 19 gallon tank. I felt crushed. Then I played Cribbage on my Palm Pre and at one point had 69 Points, so that made me feel better.

Things I learned from the movie Kick Ass

Went to Kick Ass with Mike, Jessica and Keith and I learn a lot from it. So with that here are some of the things I learned from the movie Kick Ass:

YAAAAARRRRRR THERE BE SPOILERS DOWN BELOW, SO PROCEED WITH CAUTION. YE HAVE BEEN WARNED.


I learned he was good at getting his ass kicked. So instead of being called Kick Ass, he should have gone by Ass Kick *snort snort*



I learned a good father shoots his daughter with low velocity rounds.



I leaned his name is Dave Lizewski.

I learned that News stations will go to live Internet feeds, even if they are of live tortures then of live executions.

I learned her name is Mindy Macready.



I learned I was finally proven right that - "that which doesn't kill you will make you stronger" is true unless you are set on fire. If you are indeed set on fire, that will probably just kill you.



I learned that "Wait till they get a load of me" sound way cooler from Jack as the Joker then when it comes out of McLovin's mouth.



I learned that if you want to reach Big Daddy and Hit Girl you can contact the mayor and he shines a light into the sky.



I learned that the light that shines in the sky is in the shape of a cock.



I also learned you can just make your web site say you are on vacation and they will find you instead.



I learned that when you get a bazooka no one questions you on it.



I learned that Spiderman themed kids birthday parties are fine, but a Kick Ass themed one? come on.... what are parents thinking?



I learned that if the hot girl in school thinks you are gay then you get to have a sleep overs with her and wear a banana hammock and rub self tanner on her.

I also learned when you show up and tell her you are a super hero and not gay you will get hairspray in the eyes and a tennis racket to the face.

I then learned she will have sex with you. Lots of it.

I learned that simply dressing up in a super suit and jumping off a build won't help you any. Especially if you are an Armenian with mental problems. But because you are in a super suit, the public will applaud your suicide.

I learn the Red Mist had WAAAYYY cooler wheels than Kick Ass.

I learned that $300,000.00 will get you a jet pack. If you want Gatling guns mounted on it you are on you own for that.

I learned that the wood drying microwave is bad for ones health if you are put in it with it turned on.

I learned Dave Lizewski has 34 online friends, Kick Ass has 16,000 and counting.

I learned that being able to feel no physical pain will allow you to take enough of a beating to give a better one out.

I learned if Hit Girl wasn't there Kick Ass would be dead, consequently if Kick Ass hadn't been there Big Daddy would still be alive.

I learned that being shot for real hurts a lot more.

I learned that trained killers will let a little school girl in the door.

I also learned that same school girl will use the technique of one to the chest and one to the dome to confirm her kills.

I learned that $3,000,000.00 in a suitcase is planning for the future.

I learned that Frank D'Amico owes her a childhood.

I learned that I like Craig Ferguson a little more each day.

I learned that if you tell the king pin that a man dressed like Batman ("NO I NEVER SAID HE LOOKED LIKE BATMAN") beat you up and took the coke, he won't believe you.

I learned that taking a teddy bear from a burning build won't seem strange at all if you just brush the question of it off.

I learned that other super heroes will search you out to be your side kick. Don't be alarmed by this, it probably won't be a trap.

I learned that just because you are narrating it doesn't mean you are still alive, go watch American Beauty or something...

and lastly I learned that in America stick is pronounce BASEBALL BAT!

Hy-Vee Fail and a Movie Invite

You are cordially invited to Champps tonight around 7PM for drinks and food and then we (Gubby and Me) are going to the 8:30 showing of KICKASS at the Jordan Creek Theaters. As always, these group dates will be dutch treat.

BE there or be Ell Seven!





and now for the fail. How little do you have to care Hy-Vee Employee that this is what you put out? I mean, really have a little pride and bring it to management's attention.

The Good, the Bad, the Terrible

I went for another shirt woot random shirt drop. One of these times I think I am going to have to stop. Be warned right now, if you have a birthday or an anniversary or a bah mitzvah or a day that you just wake up..... you may be getting a bad shirt coming your way.

Here was the text from the order screen, they had me at "The Thing":

A Blind Date With Apparel

Mrs. Gump was a Liar
Because here’s the thing: With most boxed chocolate samplers, you do, in fact, know what you’re going to get.
(No, actually, here’s the Thing: “IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME!” But seriously, folks.)
Maybe Mother Gump just couldn’t figure out how to read the key on the bottom of the box, or the list of ingredients, or the bold print on the front that said “Fancy Chocolate-Covered Crickets.” Hey, it happens. Illiteracy is no capital crime. It’s a shame for her, naturally, but she wasn’t hurting anybody but herself. Well, herself and maybe her Valentine on any given year.
But you can’t go spouting folk wisdom based on bad facts. Your result may still be folksy, but the “wisdom” part is fatally compromised. It’s like telling people “there’s no ‘I’ in ‘cooperation,’” or “you can’t make any kind of purse from a sow’s ear.” Because you can, and our sister’s got a cute little tanned pigskin clutch to prove it. It goes with almost any outfit!
Which is good for her, because she buys all her shirts in random batches from shirt.woot, sight unseen.
So she nevuh knows whut sh’gon’ gay-yut.
Wear this shirt: in the spirit of taking life as it comes. You’re like a downy feather, riding the zephyrs of ever-changing fortune, going wherever fate leads you, and wearing whatever comes in the mail!
Don’t wear this shirt: if it’s important to you what kind of impression you make.
This shirt tells the world: “You’d have to be an idiot to pay full price! And I’m no idiot! I just look like one because of this stupid shirt. But what a deal!”
We call this color: Any Color Will Do

Who could resist that fun little write up? If you say "I could resist it." The the terrorists have already won.

Well now for the shirts.

First the Good:

from Jan 18th Robots....

1. 
   A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.




2. 
   A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.




3. 
   A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

You have to love Asimov's 3 laws. And this shirt does a great job or showing how they will all end up with your "helpful" robot.

Wear this shirt: All the time. Seriously. This shirt is amazing. We’ve got one on right now.
Don’t wear this shirt: In front of your Roomba. You don’t want that guy getting ideas.
This shirt tells the world: Me and Elijah Baley are tight like that.
We call this color: Asphaltimov

The Bad:

The Notorious B.I.R.D. There is actually kind of a funny rap at that link for this shirt. It is OK, I just don't really care for baby blue that much, or Biggie Smalls for that matter.

Wear this shirt: to intimidate the cat. You had your day, kitty, and you might be a legend, but the sparrows are under new management, if you follow me. Be smart, kitty.

Don't wear this shirt: on the Bloods’ turf. You will get SO busted by multiple caps in your singular ass for at least two different reasons.

This shirt tells the world: “Don’t you think that little bird to the side should have been a puffin daddy?” We call this color: BABY Blue? Damn, she looked eighteen at the club! My bad, just take a couple mill on your way out. I keep a petty cash box by the Hummer for just this reason

And last, The Terrible:

Everyone knows about the bird.... Oh No....

This shirt is just worthless and yellow, and the fact it was the second bird shirt, I have the feeling of "RANDOM?!?! my ass!"

Wear this shirt: while tweeting from art class.
Don’t wear this shirt: on spaghetti night, unless you’re a much neater eater than we.
This shirt tells the world: “Papa ooh ma-mow-mow, papa ooh mow ma-mow,” repeatedly
We call this color: Lemon Yellow Bird

Overall I give this random woot shirt colect 4 "Mehs" out of 5. The only saving grace was the robot shirt which illicited 1 Chris Hansen "AAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" from me.

Completely Awesome

Completely Awesome! That was the name of my bowling team this year. Another team turned in their team name before us, it was Borderline Awesome. So in a show of oneupsmanship I trumped their team name with a better one. Tuesday was the last night of bowling, position night. And it just so happened that Completely Awesome was bowling off against Borderline Awesome. Whilst I would like to write the fairytale ending that Completely beat "Bored"erline and we won the title.... it just didn't happen. We were in the running for something great down the stretch, but going 1 and 7 the last two weeks pretty much ended any hopes for awards....

Meet the team:

Bowling in the first position for us all year was Brad. He has a blue ball bag. He likes getting hot (on the lanes)and bowling huge games and long walks in the park. He likes beer and pizza and having the highest average on the team. While Brad's feet may look like like they have never seen the sun is, it a little bit of camera magic, those are actually his white socks. Not actually his feet! Amazing I know. Also, don't think his pants are too short either, the weather in Iowa got warm enough to wear shorts... Brad is one crazy cat. The blue ball bag is his for reals, the sweet looking viking ball sack is mine, and no you can't touch it and yes there is 1 blue ball in there.












Second up all year was Kevin. He throws a straight ball that sometimes does "one of these." When he isn't being forced to stay at work and miss bowling he likes to ruin other team's evenings by going crazy high over his average. He likes diet pop and pizza and he too like long walks in the park. Again some camera magic is at work here, Kevin is not actually a black shadow figure like you would have the pleasure seeing on Ghost Hunters (man those guys are great *he says sarcastically ) No, that isn't the case at all, Kev is actually facing the other way, that is why his head seems all black, it is his hair. Now his body appears black from his clothes. How we made him to look like he has no arms was difficult but we got it. We had him hold a bowling ball. Now you know almost all my photographing secrets.





Third spot was filled by Monica. She like counting money and long finger nails. She also like being the best female bowling in the league. She throws a hook and has very oily balls when she first gets to the lanes each Tuesday. She like fruity Seagrams wine coolers and long walks in the park. A little trick we used here in this photo was to make you think it was Jersey Shore's Snookie, but that's where we got you, it is Monica in an orange shirt, not Snookie in orange skin. Maybe our best photo gag yet, if I do say so myself. Monica is famous for having not 1, but 2 bowling leaves named for her at our bowling table. the 1 - 2 - 10 leave is the "Monica", where as the 1 - 2 - 4 - 10 is forever known as the "Mills". What we have found out over the years is if you don't get a lot of lift and slowly have you ball hit solidly into the 3 pin instead of the pocket, there is a good chance for one of these leaves. And for all the times I have seen it left by Monica I have 1 text message claiming she picked up the Mills and I was there to the the Monica picked up in person once. Come bowling with us and there are a few things for certain, we will tell you to "bowl better", and if you consistently produce a bad leave, we will name it after you. That is how we roll! (get it, bowling joke)




Fourth was me, El Guapo, that means "the one who chokes at bowling" in Mexican I think. I am 94% sure that is what is means.. 80%......44% sure it means that. I like leaving 10 pins for open frames. I like Beer and pizza. I like throwing monster hooks. Strangely enough I do not like long walks in the park, I prefer them on the beach. I have found it hard to take photos of myself with the Palm Pre. Thankfully I have found it almost Therapeutic to paint self portraits though. This one is titled "1 Win 7 Loses to Close out the Season - a Self Portrait" Note the sad eyes and face. I really thought we had a chance this year, and that is my fault for things good things are coming. See if you have no expectations then mediocre things are a pleasant surprise. Kind of like being married to me. I set your hopes so low that average everyday things seem so wonderful.....

The end of early bowling party has been set up for the 30th of April. A good time had by most unless Chuck blows up a char and heaves it off a balcony again. but other than that it will be fantastic.



For those of you that were there, here is Jim, Troy and Tracie singing you a tune to remember them by.

From My Cold Dead Hand!

This was a weekend full of Americana! Fast cars, fighting, too much food, too much booze, family and firearms!

Finally was really able to turn the Camaro loose (need a good nickname for it pumpkin... orangie.... inferno.... I've got nothing) Probably put too many miles on it, but it is a treat to drive. Jim and Ginger were up from KC Mo, and he had his Hemi-C up too. While we didn't drag race per-say, we did get to open them up a little out in the back country roads of altoona/mitchelville. While I think you can actually see the gas needle go down as you push the pedal to the floor, that isn't a concern while it actually happens. Something about 426+ HP (not sure how much to the rear wheels) and a throaty exhaust that is FANTASTIC! Now part of me still wants to get an upgraded exhaust, new cams, and a supercharger. But another part of me says "no" that part of me is the Jamie Lou part.

Made it to Irina's on Friday night with the in-laws and Jamie Lou. Some hits, some misses but a good time was had by all I do believe. Nice bottle of wine, some tasty Ukrainian beers..... Saturday was smoked pork chops on the grill from Gateway, again some pretty good wine with dinner, went nice with the chops. Sunday night was lamb chops at Zac and Dani's. Also quite good, a nice red first and then a sutter home white zin to follow. The white zin I think you could drink 2 bottles and not feel a thing from it, maybe mixed with some fruit and 7-up or squirt you have a delicious spritzer......

Saturday Jim and I headed to the twisted parrot to watch the UFC. While all the good spots were marked "reserved" and we had some pretty bad seats I think we both had a pretty good time. The 2 championship fights were so disappointing I am not even sure I am going to blog on any of the fights. I was going to give a fight by fight recap, but now I don't feel like it. There was one FANTASTIC anaconda choke FTW applied in the last 10 seconds of a round. That was the highlight of the night (afternoon) for me.

Jim really wanted to make it out to Altoona to see some of the Vignovich's cars (including the new '52 Plymouth convertible) so a call was made to invite ourselves out. As always "Come on out" was the answer. So we made the trip to the East after the fights. Jamie Lou and Ginger came out a bit later... Once there Joe mentioned that he picked up a new Judge(a gat that shoots .410 000 buck shot). Well that really peaked Jim's interest, a minute later we were busting caps. After the judge was unleashed, Rene asked "Well can I shoot my new one? Ca I shoot the .38?!?!" HAHA I ask you, what is more American than muscle cars and guns? Rene, go on with your bad self!

Movie Review - Hot Tub Time Machine

After "Clash of the Titans" anything would have to be better, at least that is what I told myself. So it was just Me and Gubby off to the movies last night and it was "Hot Tube Time Machine", I can't lie... I was looking forward to this one. It didn't matter to me that Cas and Tad Chilly didn't want to come, it didn't matter that Floyd couldn't make it, it didn't matter if Cas asked the magic 8-ball on my palm pre if "Cam will hate the move tonight" and it said "it is decidedly so" it didn't matter that 3 follow up questions to the 8-ball all confirmed I was going to hate the movie, I wanted to see it!

The night started off good, $1.00 bottles of beer at Joe's Pub in Johnston. Can't go wrong with that! And they had pizza too, so beer and pizza for dinner, hanging with Tad Chilly and C-razy good good good.

Then I had a sign that the movie was going to be just what the doctor ordered (I wonder who came up with that as a phrase). Walking to the theater I saw this in a car window. A CAMel, it doesn't get much better than that I think.

We saw a couple of previews... Kick Ass which I am geeked for.... The Loser also excited to see and I saw the first full length Nightmare on Elm Street trailer in the theater... Let's just say that Freddy isn’t looking to be into campy fun in this one. The trailer closed with him yelling "WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING? I HAVEN’T EVEN CUT YOU YET!" HaHa oh Freddy, you so funny.

If you are going to the movie and haven't yet hear me now!

YAAAAARRRRRR THERE BE SPOILERS DOWN BELOW, SO PROCEED WITH CAUTION. YE HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Things I learned from the movie "Hot Tub Time Machine"

I learned that if you break the third wall and stare into the camera after saying "Maybe it is a hot tub time machine" a la Mr Roper from Three Company it is not only funny, but lets the watchers know your aren't taking yourself too seriously.

I learned that in real life if you lean over to your buddy and ask if you just saw Chevy Chase for a split second in the hot tub painted up like Beetle Juice and one minute later Chevy Chase is on the screen, you just may have indeed seen him for a split second only a minute ago.

I learned that if you barf on a squirrel after time traveling it may come back to haunt you with that squirrel getting revenge and ruining "The Drive" for Denver, thus losing you thousands of dollars and forcing you to perform and oral trick on your male friend. Remember folks, a bet is a bet.

I learned that she was his WHITE BUFFALO, White Buffalo, white buffalo, w h i t e b u f f a l o, w h i t e b u f f a l o

I learned that if you got stabbed in the eye in the past, even if you change how things went you still get stabbed in the eye.

I learned that if your name is Lou and you decided to stay behind to relieve that past with all you know of the future if may proved to be financially beneficial. Examples include you starting the web giant Lougle and fronting the band Motley Lou.


I learned this movie was 500 times more entertaining than Clash of the Titans

I learned that if you went to the mountains to ski in 1986 you traveled like you were Hunter S. Thompson with 'shrooms, weed, cocaine and the like.

I learned that if in the present your wife is cheating on you and you call the 9-year old version of her in the past and graphically describe all the terrible things she had done, it will affect her in a way so as to make her never want to cheat in the first place.

I learned that since in 1986 there wasn't twitter, e-mail, facebook or cell phones having to simply find a girl that you met later "sounds like a lot of work"

I learned that if you write fan fiction for deep space 9 that probably makes you the group expert in time travel.

I learned that if you if your black friend has a tall flat tap and you tell him he looks like Kid and Play, the appropriate response is to say "Kid and Play are two people"

I learned that if in the present Crispin Glover only has one arm but in the past has two, it is not only appropriate but acceptable to be bummed every time he doesn't lose his arm in near accidents.

I learned there are lots of other things that are hard to blog about in the PG-13 way.

I learned w h i t e b u f f a l o, w h i t e b u f f a l o